Their Love Story

This is a transferred post from Married and Divorced on FB dated Feb 20, 2009…

My friend from the old neighborhood got married on FACEBOOK. Not real marriage, but just some crazy act of  joining the bandwagon of being married in the social network. She has a son from her previous relations  with a married man, and with that, added to being a college drop out from one of the provincial colleges, she was never been able to reach out to us and keep in touch, not until she declared herself married for this sole purpose. Last week, after Paula and Cynthia (not their real names) confronted her, and asked why they were never invited to her wedding, being that the three of them grew up together, as classmates and neighbors, she told the truth and she said that the guy really exists, but they are not really married, and not even living together. He is not at all that technologically inclined that is why she had to create his account, declare him as married with her and link  it to her account for her friends to see.  The two were shocked with what they had heard. Paula called me that same day to join them, since the ladies have always been updating me with the goings on in their lives and the old community I used to live in. Appalling as it may seem, we just have to support her and her coming out.

Since her grade school years, she has often been cautious about what other people would say and how she will be judged. She narrated how her mother, being a public school teacher from the high school she graduated from, always insisted that she and current boyfriend should get married so she will no longer be shamed by her  daughter’s current status: “Impregnated by a married man and sleeping with a man she is not married with”. Harsh. And as those words came out from her lips, tears were falling from her eyes. She continued that current boyfriend has so much on his sleeve, with no job, no money, and is even in a draw with his financial obligations, being that he owes a lot of people money  from a failed overseas job employment due to illegal recruitment, so he refused to marry her. He told her she should wait until everything is okay financially as money is tight, and he is not ready for another obligation. Whatever that means, only time will tell. So with her meager income as a sales agent, she even shares with him her own income. That really struck me as some desperate move. “Why on earth would you go with a man who can not even spend for himself and spend for him, when you have a kid to support?”, I literally snapped at her. I was angry with her stubborn and stupid approach to life.  But then of course, all I could manage after that was to hug my dear friend as she was already sobbing. Then all four of us hugged like crazy– Reminds me of the time when we were yet 10. Hmm. That will go into another post.

It’s not easy being a single mom when you have nothing to assert for. Let alone a very judgmental environment to live in. We do not judge her. I personally pity her for her suffering and lack of foresight. Sorry girl, if you read this, you know I love you, but I can never agree with such foolishness. I just hope she will learn to fight battles the way I have done so. Not to be  intimidated by the other people and not to live according to how others want her to live. It’s not the end of the world if she has a son and not married. She doesn’t have to be desperate as to declare herself married and create an account for the guy just to show  her friends that she is, even though she is not.

I convinced her to go back to school and file  VAWC for the father of  her son acknowledged their offspring. It’s his birthright. And as a woman, she should not suffer alone, financially, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. The father should give what’s due to the child and not even the wife can stop that. If  she complains and mistreats her and tell her she has no right whatsoever to ask for support because she is not the legal wife, and so on and so forth, then all the more she should file VAWC. Point of the matter is that,  the support will come from the father and not the wife. Besides, whatever the wife will do, the law will always side with the child and the child’s welfare will always be the main concern.  But I guess the worst  scenario that of  the  irresponsible father who pretends to have his girlfriend/live-in partner, a barkada (peer) or even a distant relative, to pretend to be married and have the woman act as the bitchy wife who will do anything and everything for the man to  avoid giving financial support.  Anyway, that is someone else’s VAWC story I listened to months before, and it always makes me laugh how ignorant some people can be. Creating a false face just to avoid responsibility, yet it always backfires on the irresponsible  man!  Another is the story of the “Running Man” or should I say, the “Hiding Man”, where the supposed wife or mother or any of the relatives will declare the irresponsible father as “Gone” or “Abroad”.  But of course, wherever he might be, the law will always get him, especially when he has already pleaded in court. I  sure get a lot of these tales from the VAWC Crisis Center (name withheld for security reasons) as I volunteered to help women there through workshops and counseling. And although these women have already survived VAWC and won their VAWC cases, still, the experience has left the women, and even their children, devastated and needing support. VAWC survivors need to be WHOLE again before they can go into another relationship. That is a suggestion, but not a requirement. (I will perhaps have a separate post for this.)

I am sure a lot of women suffer the stigma of being a single mom, whether directly or indirectly, whether it’s their personal experience or a sibling, or a friend’s. The challenge is even greater for professionals and single women in service for previously, this state have added a more painful truth that career-wise, they suffer all the more. But then, times have changed, and The Magna Carta of Women highly supports single moms who are professionals to continue, if not gain their ground in whatever career-path they take.  So, single moms  as solo parents, now have a voice and security in the law.  To allow each and every single mom to say that it is better to be able to stand up and carry one’s torch as the challenges  are overcome one after the other, rather than declare oneself as married if only to be accepted by the society, even if no marriage ever took place. Besides, FB is not NSO. Fake documents sold on the streets can never pass as legal and binding. If and when used, it will ONLY lead to a legal problem.

Anyway, over coffee, after the movie marathon and the baking sessions, I asked her, “If your relationship with your boyfriend now won’t work out, would you declare yourself  DIVORCED on FB?”, she looked at me sternly and the four of us laughed.